HAWKS, RONALD ETHAN

[ronnie]

ronald ethan hawks, *

JUNIOR, EIGHTEEN, SNAPPY, NICK JAMES, CARELESS, BISEXUAL

"
NOW THAT WE KNOW YOUR NAME, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD PREFER TO BE CALLED?
"Please, call me Ronnie. I never tell kids my real name, you don't exactly want dudes walking up to you and being all 'hey ronaaald', it'd be the death of me, haha.."

I HAVE TO ASK: MALE, FEMALE, OR SOMETHING IN BETWEEN?
"I've got a wiener, thanks."

GOOD, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY. NOW, HOW OLD ARE YOU EXACTLY?
"Eighteen, since last month, actually."

WELL, YOU LOOK YOUNG FOR YOUR AGE. HOW DO YOU STAY IN SHAPE?
"I play soccer, and jog in the morning. I just stick my headphones on and go jogging. Sometimes I go to the gym, rarely though, I usually just stick with soccer practice."

OH, I'LL HAVE TO TRY THAT. MOVING ON: YOUR HAIR, IS THAT YOUR NATURAL COLOR?
"Yeah, actually. Sometimes you'll see the colour of it change, because I dye it here and there, then decide to go to my natural colour."

DON'T MEAN TO BE A PEST BUT, HOW TALL ARE YOU EXACTLY?
"about six foot one, yeah, I'm lanky, but whatever."

I WOULD NEVER HAVE CONSIDERED THAT GEORGE CLOONEY MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
"Aww yes! Now I can get me some fine piece of pedo ass, am I right, or am I right? Haha, I swing both ways myself, so I'll see if he offers me candy and take it from there."

OH REALLY? WELL, WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. EVER BEEN SAILING?
"Actually, yeah I have, with my dad. Him and his dad are into sailing, I do it sometimes, like in the summmer time, but not all year around like my dad does."

WELL THEN, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
"I play drums here and there, just to pass time I guess. Umm... I work...? I don't really know, really. I play video games, too... Yeah, that's pretty much it, oh, and soccer!"

DON'T WORRY, THIS IS ALL CONFIDENTIAL. GO AHEAD, TELL US WHAT YOU ENJOY.
"Pie. I fucking love pie. Lemon cream pie? Uhg... To die for. I could smoke a joint, sit down and eat a big ass pie if you wanted me to, I don't give a shit. Hell, I'd even do it without the joint. I love tattoos too, as you can tell. I'm covered in them, haha. Thinking I might take up being a tattoo artist or something once I'm done of school, still thinking about it."

WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING THAT GETS ON YOUR NERVES?
"I can never sleep! I have insomnia, no joke. I take pills to sleep, still nothing. I constantly stay up every night, taking hissy fits because I can't sleep then I have to drag myself to school each morning on next to no sleep, it fucking sucks ass."

I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT. SO, ARE YOU GOOD AT ANYTHING?
"I'm good at soccer, I guess. I've been playing it hardcore since I was three, so I hope I'm good at it... Um, I'm good at gym, and good and at eating, too."

THAT'S INTERESTING, NOW WHAT ARE YOU NOT SO GOOD AT?
"Basket ball... I couldn't play the sport even if it meant to save my life, or football, or any other sport beside soccer. I suck at cleaning my room, mom hates it, but whatever, she doesn't nag me about it. Chores too, I suck a chores, mom and dad pratically gave up on trying to get me to help around. I drive, but I suck crap at that too. People hate me on the roads, but hey, I need to get from point A to point B just like everyone else."

I BET I CAN BEAT YOU IN A THUMB WRESTLE AND HOLD MY BREATHE LONGER THAN YOU AT THE SAME TIME.
"Uh, fuck no. My thumgs have eighteen years of hardcore training from video games, there's no way you can beat me."

YOU MUST THINK I'M CRAZY. OH WELL, SAY, WHAT KIND OF QUALITIES DO YOU LIKE IN A SPOUSE?
"In girls, big boobs and blonde hair and some tattoos, also someone who can make a mean pie. Guys, well, someone who isn't all flamboyant, and innocent, I like bad ass people, tattoos and piercings, and shit."

OH, I GUESS I'M NOT YOUR TYPE THEN, EH? WELL, WHAT DO YOU FIND UNATTRACTIVE IN A PERSON?
"Innocent people, doesn't matter if you're a girl or a guy, can't stand them. They bat their eyelashes and pretend like they're all goodie-good and I don't have time for that, it's either you're going to party or you're not, there's no inbetween, there's no me waiting around for you to make up your mind if you're going to change who you are. Also, I hate overly smart people, like I hate dumb people, but some smart people just don't know how to function properly, total turn off when they're trying to use math to see how big my wiener is. I don't want that."

FINE, BE LIKE THAT. I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAYS.
"Fine, does it look like I give a shit? No, not really."

OK, WE'RE GONNA PLAY A GAME. I'M GOING TO ASK SOME SIMPLE QUESTIONS, AND YOUR GOING TO SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND, OK?
"okay? I'm kind of scared, actually..."

FAVORITE FOOD?
"PIE, and pizza..."

FAVORITE MOVIE?
"Hot fuzz."

FAVORITE BAND/ARTIST?
"The Johnstones! Either them, or some Bring Me The Horizon, or A Day To Remember, along that line."

FAVORITE DRINK?
"Wild Berry fruit smoothie from mcdicks."

FAVORITE SUBJECT?
"Gym."

FAVORITE SPICE GIRL?
"None of them, never did, never will. Sorry girls!"

FAVORITE TV SHOW?
"I don't watch TV that often."

FAVORITE HOLIDAY AND SEASON?
"I don't really have a favorite holiday, well, maybe easter, and my favorite season would have to be spring."

FAVORITE WORD?
"douchecanoe."

FAVORITE FAMOUS DEAD PERSON?
"my grandmother... Well, she's not famous, but she is to me."

FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
"Lunch time!"

FAVORITE COLOR?
"BLue."

FAVORITE BOOK?
"Do I look like I read?"

FAVORITE TOY?
"Digimon action figures."

WELL, WASN'T THAT FUN? ON TO THE SERIOUS SHIT. TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.
"I have insomnia, which sucks balls because over a course of a year, due to lack of sleep, I went from an alright guy, who'd talk to anyone, get along with anyone, and was overly nice, to a guy who doesn't give a shit, snappy, and rude. Yeah, in a year I went from the nice guy that was approachable, to the asshole who strickly hangs out with his friends."

MHMM, AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?
"My family is awesome! I have a younger brother, that's like, ten. We get along super good, because he's into a lot of the same bands I'm into, and he skate boards and stuff, and is over all the coolest kid you'll ever meet. My mom is awesome too. She looks like she's twenty, maybe thirty, and is covered in tattoos, too. She's a total rocker mom, doesn't mind dropping us off at concerts, and I'm pretty sure she's slept with countless band guys from back in her day. My dad is cool, too. He has a couple of tattoos, and used to be in a band when he was younger, like a punk band, or something, which I thought was interesting. He said he recorded a CD when he was in college, but he has yet to show it to me."

VERY INTERESTING. SO HOW DID YOU END UP IN VIRGINIA BEACH?
"Grew up here, actually. I still live in the same house, and everything."

RIGHT ON, MY FRIEND. SO, CAN YOU TELL US WHAT WAS YOUR BEST MEMORY?
"I was biking along in my nieghbourhood one day, and I was just cruising along, then out of butt-fuck nowhere, comes this huge ass clown just walking down the street super casual. I stopped my bike, then looked down the opposite side of the street and there was another clown, they both looked up and saw eachother and botled at eachother, I thought I was going to see the beginning of a clown war, like they were going to rip at each other, but they did an epic high five and continued walking like nothing happened. My mind was forever blown."

HOW, LOVELY. AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR WORST MEMORY?
"The first few weeks of experiencing insomnia. I never felt so weak in my life."

NOW, JUST WONDERING. WHAT RELIGION ARE YOU EXACTLY?
"I don't go with religion, man."

WHAT SORT OF CAREER WILL YOU GO INTO THEN?
"Well, currently, I'm working at McDonalds right now. I know, sick ass job right? Totally, haha, and like I said before, tattoo artist is what I'm looking into."

WHAT HAPPENED TO BE YOUR FIRST WORDS?
"My first words, like complete sentence was 'Dad is too lazy', mom flipped because it was totally true. She was asking him to cut the grass and I said it, dad burst out laughing."

OMGWTFBBQ?!? WELL, LOOK AT THAT. I'VE NEVER SEEN A GENIE ACTUALLY COME OUT OF THE BOTTLE. WHAT ARE YOUR THREE WISHES?
"Umm... No more insomnia, boobs, and lots of money."


WOW, WASN'T THAT FASCINATING?
"No... Not really."

SO, YOU, UH, WITH ANYBODY AT THE PRESENT MOMENT?
"Single and loving it."

WELL, YOU WANNA GO OUT SOME TIME? WHERE CAN I TAKE YA?
"No, you're not my type. Anyway, just take me to the movies or something."

HEY, IF YOUR NOT BUSY FRIDAY...WANNA GO OUT?
"Look, you're cool and all, but no. You look like shit."

ALRIGHT, WHATEVER/COOL. THIS INTERVIEW IS COMING TO AN END. ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TELL US?
"Oh, keep the insomnia thing on a downlow... I don't usually tell people that, they all just assume something bad happened to me and made me an asshole, but whatver. Yeah, just don't tell anyone."

THIS FAKE INTERVIEWER DUDE GUY WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS.
"That's cool..."
"

YO, MY NAME IS EMILY AND I'VE BEEN DOING THIS SHIZZ FOR FOUR YEARS. I PLAY NO OTHER CHARACTERS. HERE'S SOME OF MY WORK:

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