ANGEL, DEREK RYKER

[derek ryker angel]

derek ryker angel, *
JUNIOR, EIGHTEEN, OBNOXIOUS, CHRISTOFER DREW, FRIENDLINESS RESERVED, PANSEXUAL

" NOW THAT WE KNOW YOUR NAME, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD PREFER TO BE CALLED?

"Derek, Der-ICK. Call me whatever the fuck you want, I really don’t care. Hell, I’ll even go by Angel, if you want, baby.”

I HAVE TO ASK: MALE, FEMALE, OR SOMETHING IN BETWEEN?

"I have a mangina. L – o – l just kidding. I’m a boy. Ronnie drew a picture of my dick, if you don’t believe me. If that still doesn’t float your boat I’ll gladly whip it out.”

GOOD, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY. NOW, HOW OLD ARE YOU EXACTLY?

"Eighteen. Well, I will be tomorrow, March 10th.”

WELL, YOU LOOK YOUNG FOR YOUR AGE. HOW DO YOU STAY IN SHAPE?

"Soccer keeps me running around and shit so I guess that’s something. Plus, I’m always doing crazy shit and running around naked or whatever the fuck I feel like doing."

OH, I'LL HAVE TO TRY THAT. MOVING ON: YOUR HAIR, IS THAT YOUR NATURAL COLOR?

"It is now, but it used to be like.. dyed blonde and shit."

DON'T MEAN TO BE A PEST BUT, HOW TALL ARE YOU EXACTLY?

"Like five ten. Maybe. I don’t know..."

I WOULD NEVER HAVE CONSIDERED THAT GEORGE CLOONEY MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

"His name sounds pretty gay, honestly. So yeah, without a doubt, totally thought that. I’ll put my dick in anything. That should answer your question."

OH REALLY? WELL, WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. EVER BEEN SAILING?

"No.”

WELL THEN, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?

"I play a little bit of guitar, write music, play soccer, dance, crab walk naked, and party!”

DON'T WORRY, THIS IS ALL CONFIDENTIAL. GO AHEAD, TELL US WHAT YOU ENJOY.

"Drugs, drugs, alcohol, boobs, dicks, sex, and everything else that I like. Uh, I like weed the most but I’ll do any drug that you don’t have to inject. Video games are real cool, and I like taking pictures of random shit.”

WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING THAT GETS ON YOUR NERVES?

"People who smell. Holy shit. I can’t stand them, it’s like they have no respect for the people around them. Seriously. I might have died because of your fish and trashcan mixed oder."

I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT. SO, ARE YOU GOOD AT ANYTHING?

"I play soccer pretty awesomely if I do say so myself, and smoke weed like a pro. I skateboard, but I’m not one of those dickhead skater kids. I think I’m pretty good at playing instruments… or anything music related.”

THAT'S INTERESTING, NOW WHAT ARE YOU NOT SO GOOD AT?

"Paying attention in school and getting good grades. I try, sort of. Okay, not really. I was held back in sixth grade because I’m a dumbass. Go ahead and laugh.”

I BET I CAN BEAT YOU IN A THUMB WRESTLE AND HOLD MY BREATHE LONGER THAN YOU AT THE SAME TIME.

"Ah! Probably… I can’t multitask for shit…”

YOU MUST THINK I'M CRAZY. OH WELL, SAY, WHAT KIND OF QUALITIES DO YOU LIKE IN A SPOUSE?

"In boys I like it when they’re more dominant than me. I hate being on top, it’s just too much fucking work. As for girls, I don’t really like them as much, but big boobs and a gorgeous face will get them anywhere.”

OH, I GUESS I'M NOT YOUR TYPE THEN, EH? WELL, WHAT DO YOU FIND UNATTRACTIVE IN A PERSON?

"When they’re ugly? I don’t know. I’m not too crazy about gingers, that’s for sure. "

FINE, BE LIKE THAT. I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAYS.

"Bitch… that hurt…”

OK, WE'RE GONNA PLAY A GAME. I'M GOING TO ASK SOME SIMPLE QUESTIONS, AND YOUR GOING TO SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND, OK?

"OKAY! Sounds good to me dude!”

FAVORITE FOOD?

"Lindsey Lohan. Juuuust kidding… Ramen Noodles.”

FAVORITE MOVIE?

"The Hangover."

FAVORITE BAND/ARTIST?

"Children of Bodom.”

FAVORITE DRINK?

"Mountain Dew."

FAVORITE SUBJECT?

"Walking home. It counts."

FAVORITE SPICE GIRL?

"None, thanks.”

FAVORITE TV SHOW?

"Shameless, hands down!”

FAVORITE HOLIDAY AND SEASON?

"season is by far summer. And holiday… national weed day.”

FAVORITE WORD?

"sex."

FAVORITE FAMOUS DEAD PERSON?

"Michael Jackson."

FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?

"Lunch, by far.”

FAVORITE COLOR?

"Red."

FAVORITE BOOK?

"Green eggs and ham.”

FAVORITE TOY?

"Pokemon cards."

WELL, WASN'T THAT FUN? ON TO THE SERIOUS SHIT. TELL ME A BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.

"Well… I live by myself. I don’t have a job because my parents pay for my house and my bills. They give me grocery money too. They actually put me in this house three years ago, when I was fifteen. I started getting tattoos illegally and doing drugs, partying, and they just didn’t want to have to look at me again. I guess this is how they make up for it. I don’t get visited on holidays, or anything. Maybe a phone call if I’m lucky… and normally it has to do with money.”

MHMM, AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?

"I have a little sister, her name is Chloe. She’s this little blonde angel that my parents adore more than anything in the world and quite frankly I don’t care for her. My parents are pretty cool I guess… they pay for my shit, but that’s about it.”

VERY INTERESTING. SO HOW DID YOU END UP IN VIRGINIA BEACH?

"Been here my whole life."

RIGHT ON, MY FRIEND. SO, CAN YOU TELL US WHAT WAS YOUR BEST MEMORY?

"I was about thirteen years old, at a Good Charlotte concert. They pulled me up on stage and I got to sing a song with them. It was fucking awesome.”

HOW, LOVELY. AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR WORST MEMORY?

"When my mom looked me dead in the eyes and said she never wanted to see me again. Every day it kills me a little bit to know she’d go through the trouble to pay for me to keep on living, but away from her, so she doesn’t have to watch me destroy myself."

NOW, JUST WONDERING. WHAT RELIGION ARE YOU EXACTLY?

"None?”

WHAT SORT OF CAREER WILL YOU GO INTO THEN?

"I want to be a musician."

WHAT HAPPENED TO BE YOUR FIRST WORDS?

"My first word was rock. My second would be like, monster or something. I was weirdly fascinated by the idea of monsters…”

OMGWTFBBQ?!? WELL, LOOK AT THAT. I'VE NEVER SEEN A GENIE ACTUALLY COME OUT OF THE BOTTLE. WHAT ARE YOUR THREE WISHES?

"success, a family, and endless supply of food.”


WOW, WASN'T THAT FASCINATING?

"Suuure..."

SO, YOU, UH, WITH ANYBODY AT THE PRESENT MOMENT?

"Single for now, I’m fine with that too."

WELL, YOU WANNA GO OUT SOME TIME? WHERE CAN I TAKE YA?

"Sure! I’d go for some mcdonalds."

HEY, IF YOUR NOT BUSY FRIDAY...WANNA GO OUT?

"No.”

ALRIGHT, WHATEVER/COOL. THIS INTERVIEW IS COMING TO AN END. ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TELL US?

"Don’t say shit about my family thing... I’m a cool guy, not a pathetic little whiner who wants his mommy."

THIS FAKE INTERVIEWER DUDE GUY WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS.

"OH MY GOD! Abort ship!”
"

YO, MY NAME IS ALLIE AND I'VE BEEN DOING THIS SHIZZ FOR 4YEARS. I PLAY SIX OTHER CHARACTERS. HERE'S SOME OF MY WORK:

SEE ANY THREAD OF MINE (: